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JANUARY 2017, MESSAGE FROM MARY
MY BEST ADVICE FOR 2017 IN DEALING WITH BEING A CO-VICTIM OF HOMICIDE

Here we go again! Another year! Another year living the life of a co-victim of homicide! Having lived this life for over thirty years, I would like to offer what I have seen and heard from the hundreds of co-victims of homicide I have met through Parents of Murdered Children. All of you are my heroes. You are my heroes because you are still here and so many of you have learned the secret of survival being a co-victim of homicide. Many of you are practicing it. I have had the honor of meeting people whose loved ones were murdered a few days before I met them to weeks, months, or even years later. Again, you are my heroes. This is one of the hardest jobs you will ever have to do. What I also have learned is that the more we educate ourselves, the more we can help ourselves and others.

If I ever needed help or someone who cared, I would call on a POMC friend or a person who worked with co-victims. Though some of these people have not lost a loved one to homicide, they worked hard to learn and understand the “aftermath of homicide”. It is truly a trip to hell. It is also like a rollercoaster that sends our emotions up and down. It is important to realize that we can get to a “new normal” with help and understanding. Sadly, it is not like the normal we had before. But, we will come away with an understanding of how resilient humans can be. It gives us an appreciation of the goodness in people. There are more good people than evil.

The first important thing to do after a loved one has been murdered is to find a friend or family member who will listen to your story. You can either tell your story or journal what you are going through. Experts in the field believe that this is the most important thing we need to do. This also pertains to any type of loss of a loved one. For those who cannot tell their story, start journaling. You do not have to be a writer. You do not have to share it unless you want to share. The telling of your story releases the pain no matter what course you take, telling or journaling. When you do either of these ways, you face your pain. When we write about our feelings or our emotional state, we validate our pain and our feelings. Only you know how you are being affected. Grief is unique and it affects us each differently.

For the National Conference, I teach the class, “Poetry and Journaling”. It is amazing how each participant picks up the importance of journaling. Those that know they will be taking the class will bring samples of their work. Some will bring poems they have written as well. They even amaze themselves how well their writings are appreciated along with the appreciation of their poems. Some have never written either before. The loss of a loved one to homicide gives us each an understanding of our emotions we never thought we would face let alone deal with. It teaches us how resilient we can be as well as others we meet.

Holding our pain in and not facing our loss can affect us mentally. It also can cause us to be physically ill. Living with the stress from a homicide lowers our immune system. Homicide also causes complicated grief. Complicated grief is chronic and some of its symptoms from Deborah Khoshaba, Psy.D, are as follows:

Others that I would like to add are as follows:

Our Grieving Brain

Each person’s brain works differently. The closeness we were to our loved one, and the manner in which they died also affects us differently. Part of complicated grief is as follows:

  1. Co-victims bounce back and forth through the stages of grief without resolution. Anything can be normal.
  2. Their brains process grief differently. Complicated grief takes no hostages.
  3. Their hopelessness for the future keeps them from moving forward. Tis is caused by the shock and horror.
  4. Complicated grief mourners are preoccupied with memories of the deceased. It plays over and over.
  5. This preoccupation makes it difficult for them to recall past and future events that do not include their loved one. Same symptoms as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
  6. Reflections on the future solely center on what life would be if the deceased loved one was still with them. They are unable to move on.
  7. Some suffering from complicated grief keep their loved ones alive in their minds and do not let them out of our everyday thoughts. We need to never worry about forgetting them. We won’t! This is unhealthy and keeps us from getting better. People can also have too many reminders of their loved ones so their home is like a shrine and they are stuck in the grieving process.
  8. Therapists can teach grievers to mark out times for grieving. It is again important to get references.
  9. It is important to share your anxiety with other family members if they are receptive. Sharing is the key.
  10. Know it is normal to hate the murderer. It helps to talk with someone you can trust about your thoughts toward the murderer or write them down and later burn them. This can truly help you .

(The above list was taken from the writings of Deborah Khoshaba, Phy.D and classes I teach using my own experiences and others I have met over the years.)

Knowing that grief is different after a homicide, we can see how important it is to tell our story or journal. If we don’t, there is no way for us to release this grief. This is another reason why support groups such as POMC is important to co-victims. You know you are not alone. It is a safe place to talk or express our grief.

My dear friends, I hope that you will understand that homicide is a grief like no other. If you do not feel that you are moving to a “new normal”, please seek a professional who understands homicide, call a telephone friend, share with someone who listens and does not judge, or we hope you can go to one of our meeting places listed on the front page of our newsletter. As always, we are here for you.

For those with unsolved crimes, let us help you in any way we can. There is also a whole new dimension to a case that is not solved. Co-victims need to know what happened to their loved one and there is a need for justice as well so we can more on.

My final wish for all of you is peace, understanding, and support for the coming year. How you feel is normal for what has happened to your loved one. Complicated grief is from a loss that is not normal. It is a loss that cannot be done alone. I wish all of you an understanding New Year and know we are here for you.

All my love, Mary Elledge


DECEMBER HOLIDAY MEETING GETS BIG TURNOUT

The Greater Portland Area Chapter would like to thank all of the members who turned out for our December holiday meeting. It was a great success and I would especially like to thank Pat Schwiebert, our professional advisor, for again decorating her beautiful home to make it be festive for all of us. Other family members at the Peace House contributed time also to make our December a night to remember.

The meeting started out by everyone introducing themselves and each telling a short version of why they were there. We could not spend as much time telling our story because of the celebration of our loved ones after introductions. Yet for the newly bereaved, there is always enough time as it is so important for each of them to tell their story.

Angie Foster sang a beautiful song and it warmed all of our hearts. Our tree was brilliant with the matching ornaments hanging from it just waiting to be taken home. The ornaments this year were falling stars. The poem we read about the ornament is printed in this month’s newsletter. Each loved one’s name was read as their family went up to take their ornament off of the tree. The ornaments were hand made in porcelain by members from the peace house.

Pat Schwiebert did a beautiful video with pictures of our loved ones shown on a screen. We also lit candles in memory of each of our loved ones. After the ceremony, we had a light meal and dessert. Members also had a chance to talk with each other. Aloha Nesbitt brought special cookies and candy to be put on our food table.

It turned into a special time for all of us to share our grief and happy memories as well. It also is a time for the newer members to know they are not alone. Being able to talk about our loved ones is so important during the holiday season. If we do not share our pain, it is even harder to get through the holidays. Being together, lets us be able to share even our tears. Trying to hold back tears--not to ruin anyone else’s holiday--is so painful. At a POMC function, we can say it like it is. Everyone understands. POMC is also a safe place to cry. Yet, a safe place to cry is also a safe place to laugh.

In looking back at my first POMC meeting, I wondered if the other members did not love their loved ones as much as I loved my son because some people were smiling or even laughing. I know now that laughter is part of getting to a new normal. It does not mean we are not sad. It just means that we are giving our minds a little rest. Smiles and the sound of laughter is like music. It is healing and without it, it would be impossible to go on. POMC is a safe place to laugh. It shows no disrespect. It had been a longer time for other members whose loved ones were murdered and their smiles and laughter actually gave us new members hope. Tears and laughter can parallel one another. They were laughing at what people expected of co-victims and of the unjust ways our criminal justice system works at times because it was so ridiculous.

I would also like to thank all of our members who helped with the meeting. It takes all of us to do what we do. This is also why we have support groups. POMC meetings are a time for sharing experiences and emotions. We all share a common situation. I am sure that each of us will never forget our first meeting. Joan Synarski was one of the first founders and our first chapter leader. We all are grateful to Joan for starting the Grater Portland


JANUARY 19, 2017 WILL BE THE DAY WE HONOR KRYSTLE ROSE’S BIRTHDAY

January 19, 2017 will be the day we honor Krystle Rose’s birthday as well as celebrate the lives of all the loved ones whose families also attend the ceremony. Krystle’s family used Krystle’s birth date to remember Krystle and then went on to add other families’ loved ones. The celebration will start at 11:00 A.M. on Thursday, January 19 at ST. Helens’ Court House. It is located at 265 Strand Street, ST. Helens , OR, 97051.

We will have a short speech, a chance for co-victims to share their story, a balloon release and lunch. It is a wonderful opportunity for co-victims to have a chance to share with others who have lost loved ones to homicide. There is no charge to attend the ceremony.

The Cook family searched for their beloved granddaughter for a year before her body was found. The Rose family had wonderful support from Columbia County. The man who murdered Krystle was found guilty and is serving his sentence.

Delores Cook, went on to start a support group in Woodland, WA to help other co-victims of homicide. She also joined the Greater Portland Area Chapter and is now serving as a co-leader for our Portland Area Chapter. Delores and her family work hard for both support groups.

In holding her first celebration for Krystle, Delores also wanted to thank Columbia County for helping solve her case. Some of the people from Columbia County who Delores wanted mentioned are as follows: District Attorney Steve Actchison, John Gutbez, Jerry Simmons, Janice Falkersack, and, Linda Gaston.

We hope to have a good attendance and for the balloon release, members will be able to write a note to send in the balloon they release. It is a heartwarming to release the balloons and see many of you there. It is also a chance to visit with old friends.

For more information call Delores Cook at 360-425-8658 or 360-751-8658.


FALLING STARS HANGING ON OUR TREE

Our Christmas tree is so beautiful this year;
We will be celebrating our special holiday
With others we hold so dear.

Each falling star ornament has been made with love and care;
They are then hung on the tree so that all can share.

Our ornaments represent falling stars in the sky;
But, they even soar by us when they are just saying “Hi”!

Real falling stars explode in our heavens
With a beauty so bright!
Our loved ones will always continue to be
A shining light.

Once you see a falling star go by,
You will never forget to remember;
You will always know that
Our loved ones are remembered
From January to December.

The sparking glitter may appear anywhere in the sky;
A fallen star never has to actually die.

Their presence here has helped lighten our loads;
Like or loved ones, each was created from a very special mold.

Now when we look into the sky,
Please look for a falling star;
It could be one of our loved ones
Who now will never be far.

Remember as you leave tonight,
You will take your star with you;
Maybe it will help you from being
So blue.

Mary Elledge


INSTRUCTIONS FOR GETTING YOUR LOVED ONES’ PICTURE ON OUR MEMORIAL BOARD

For our “Holiday Memorial on December 5th, if we do not have a picture of your loved one already, please mail or e-mail it to: Pat Schwiebert at 2116 N. E. 18th Street, Portland . OR 97212. Her e-mail is: pat@tearsoup.com. Pat needs the pictures as soon as possible so she can include them in our slide show. Your loved one’s name will be read out loud even if we do not have a picture on our board.

We are so grateful to Pat and her family at “The Peace House”, where we hold our meetings. They spend hours decorating their home so it is beautiful for our holiday memorial. For many, this time is the most special day they have during the holiday season since the murder of their loved one. It is a safe place to be.

Thank You


POMC IS NOW RECEIVING DONATIONS
FROM GO FUND ME
OREGON POMC MEMORIAL WALL

On behalf of the Greater Portland Area Chapter of Parents of Murdered Children, I would like to express our deepest appreciation to all of the generous people who have donated to the building of our addition memorial wall. We have a beautiful POMC Memorial now and families and friends from all over Oregon and Washington come to honor the memory of their loved ones who were so brutally taken from them. Sadly to say, our wall is completely filled. We have 500 names engraved on it.

What we are planning to do when we have enough funds is to build an additional wall that will hold 1000 more names. We have so many families who are waiting to add their loved ones’ name. It means so much to them because one of our greatest fears as a co-victims of homicide is that our loved one will not be remembered. They did not get to live the life they were suppose to. Some of the names on our wall belong to little babies to any age of adult. As co-victims, we have all suffered the same loss, the loss of a loved one to homicide. Our lives were completely changed. Homicide cannot be resolved.

What is also important is that we also educate the public when people come to see our wall. Murder can happen to any family. If people see the amount of people who are murdered, they will realize how important protection of society truly is. We need a justice system that works and laws for the protection of society. At POMC, we wish that people would never need our services. Sadly to say, we are getting more calls each day.

Co-victims of homicide need the peace and tranquility we are able to achieve at our POMC Memorial Wall. We are surrounded by beautiful sequoia trees, running water from the memorial, flowers, verses engraved on the stones that stand tall by the wall and a serenity that gives them hope and a place to gather and see that they are not alone.
We again ask for your help and thank those who have been so generous to our cause. If you would like to help, please go to the website of “Go Fund Me” and look under “POMC Memorial Wall”. All donations are appreciated and tax deductible. So many of our members are waiting to add their loved one’s name to the wall. Oregon has the largest POMC Memorial in the United States. Thank you for your help.


FUNDING FOR THE NEW MEMORIAL WALL IS NOW IN FULL FORCE

Funding for our new POMC Oregon/Washington Wall officially began this January, 2015. Members and friends of our chapter have been generous with donations and we are so thankful. Many of our new members are waiting for their loved ones names to be put on our new wall. We are listing new names that will be engraved when the wall is completed. We ask that members will call us, e-mail, or mail the information if you do not see your loved ones name on the list. The phone number is 503-656-8039, the e-mail is: elledge1@gmail.com or POMC, 14427 S. Forsythe Road.

We are designing the wall now and hoping to build a wall that will accommodate more names than the existing wall. We want to list all of our loved ones

If any of our members work at a company or know of anyone who would like to make a donation please let us know or it is fine for you to ask for a donation yourself. We are a non-profit organization. Donations are tax deductible. Please use the phone contact numbers from the first paragraph of this article. Thank you so much for your support.

LIST OF NAMES TO BE ENGRAVED ON THE NEW MEMORIAL WALL UPON COMPLETION

Amber Rhiannon Adams
Ashley Benson
Austin Joe Hrynko
Benjamin Redmond
Braylon Michael Duguay
Charlie Peratta
Cheritee Yvonne Vance
Colton Jacob Salsbury
Coulton McComb-Buehler
Craig C. Moritz Jr.
Dale Archie Brown
David Rothrock
David G. Swapp Jr.
Dean A. Kuntz
Devan Chanel Schmidt
Douglas Olive Benton
Glen Edward Drysdale
Harold Sloan Blanchard
Izaak Gillen
Jason Dale Johnson
Jason Michael Ell
Jason Scott Williams
Jayme Sue Austin
Jeffery Towers
Jeffery Ray Brown
Jessica Lynn Clark
Jodi Marie Brewer
Julio Cesar Marquev
Kathleen Lois Bauman
Kayla Ann Hendrickson
Kaylee Anne Sawyer
Keith Ardell Benefield
Kenneth Dylan Lambert
Krystal Jaye Mitchell
Kyle William Peckham
Laura Jean Bohlen
London Grey McCabe
Molly McCarter
Nicolas Lamont Lawson
Nicolette Naomi “Nikki” Elias
Paul W. Miller
Rachelle “Shelly” Law
Randall Lee Gettman
Rebekah “Becky” Selegue Johnson
Ryan Robert Jones
Sahara Grace Dwight
Steve Leroy Johnson
William Roland Hatch III

(Please contact us if your loved one’s name does not appear on this paper and you would like to have it added. A form will be added to our newsletter each month to be used for adding names for the wall when it is completed. Please check the spelling of your loved one’s name and let us know if it is wrong. You can e-mail us at elledge1@gmail.com, call 505-656-8039, or mail us at POMC, 14427 S. Forsythe Rd., Oregon City, OR 97045.)

MEMORIAL DONATIONS FOR NEW WALL

KEITH AND PATRICIA E.
RICHARD AND JANET M.
JOY D.
ROBERT P.
MARILYN M.
BARBARA AND PAUL B.
EUGENE N.
PORT OF PORTLAND POLICE EMPLOYEES ASSN.
RYAN AND LINDSEY S.
JAMES AND KAY L.
RAY AND JOAN K.
JULIE W.
ALOHA N.
MARGARET S.


BETH GREEAR PUTS SUPPORT GROUP FOR POMC MEMBERS ON FACEBOOK

The Greater Portland Chapter is proud to announce that Beth Greear has created a facebook support group for POMC members. To reach it use: www.facebook.com/groups/POMC.Portlalnd.Vancouver/ Beth said that there are several “admins” of the page so she is sure it will be very beneficial to anyone who would like to use it.

We cannot thank her enough for the chance to have even more support for our members. Beth is an outstanding person who is always there to reach out to help others. She even brought a delicious dessert for our December holiday meeting. We will be writing more on this next month and giving the names of other members who are helping with this project.


LIVING WITHOUT JUSTICE

Unsolved Homicides ~ A CoVictims’ Worst Nightmare

The murder of a loved one is the most horrific thing a person can experience.  The only thing that can make it worse is a substandard initial investigation or not seeing justice in your case.  Timely collection of evidence followed by an arrest and conviction would provide a degree of comfort, but what happens to co-victims when a thorough investigation is not done, and there is no arrest?  Many of the victims' friends and acquaintances will gradually let go of their grief over time, but the closest of friends and family will remain in a state of sorrow, haunted by the injustice of investigators that may not have conformed to rules or standard operating procedures during their initial investigation.  Not only is there no relief, but the agony of the event changes their lives forever, and becomes part of their very being.  Co-victims' everyday battle becomes their effort to get a thorough investigation.

Helplessness is a gut-wrenching emotion which plagues co-victims who are not allowed to assist with the investigation and are longing for justice.  We don't want to let our loved one down; we are compelled to fight for justice no matter how long it takes.  As the process drags on, frustration grows.  Many times, due to confidentiality, important conversations between co-victims and law enforcement are avoided, and this lack of communication can cause co-victims to feel neglected and disrespected, which often manifests itself in frustration, anger, and a loss of confidence in the investigators. Regular contact and truthfulness are two of the most important things survivors need from law enforcement. We need investigators to focus on routine communication of as much information as possible with sensitivity and without being misleading. Survivors’ perception that information is not being shared with them can result in them feeling they have been secondarily victimized. As the years pass, co-victims start wondering if their unsolved homicide could be reviewed by a fresh set of eyes, and they often look into getting their case to a cold case unit, only to find out that some jurisdictions don't even have a cold case unit.   If there is a cold case unit in their jurisdiction, cases are evaluated and chosen according to a set of criteria.  Co-victims whose cases seem to be continuously passed over for review become dismayed and even angry toward law enforcement. Anger can mobilize psychological resources for corrective action, but uncontrolled anger can negatively affect personal or social well-being. 

Co-victims who put forth the effort to examine and understand the cold case process and various factors which must be dealt with during cold case investigations are able to put the process into perspective.  They must understand that cold cases are among the most difficult and frustrating cases for both co-victims and law enforcement, and not every case is chosen to be investigated.  It helps to review the following criteria checklist used by the National Sheriff’s Association, Justice Solutions and POMC: 

Complete an application for cold case review. This application includes detailed information regarding agency reports, victimology, suspects/persons of interest, timeline, coroner, lab reports, investigation documents, weapon descriptions and media releases.  

Co-victims should also be aware that closing rates can be more successful if investigators work only one or two cases at a time.  At this point, if we find out that our case doesn’t qualify for review by a cold case unit, our only hope is that a thorough re-investigation will be done by homicide investigators. 

If you have comments or questions about this article, please email: pat.kuiper@yahoo.com or call Pat Kuiper at 702-809-8654 to get your loved ones' name listed in our newsletter.  Feel free to contact Pat if you would like to share your story. 

UNSOLVED CASES

Lucy Eilertson (1998)
Diana Moffitt (1987)
Donald James Brown (2007)
Kimberly Larson Reames (1983)
William (Bill) Mark Stratton (2005)


SIBLING SITE IS LAUNCHED

The Greater Portland Chapter is so proud of our member, Amanda Harris, for launching her official site for siblings. Amanda is offering the Website: www.unitingsiblings.com so that sibling co-victims of homicide have a place to go where they will be understood and supported. This site will include video, chat, and telephone conference via a secure and private interface. Amanda is paying for the expenses and will be delighted to be another support for sibling co-victims. Amanda can also be reached at: Amanda@unitingsiblings.com or 623-866-3189.

Amanda Harris is now ready to start her web site for siblings. The Portland Chapter is excited about the support and understanding this new group will be for the many often overlooked survivors.


NATIONAL POMC SURVIVORS NEWSLETTER SUBSCRIPTION FORM

Please find, enclosed, $10.00 for my annual subscription (three issues) for the Survivors Newsletter.
(Please consider adding an extra subscription fee to help defray the cost for someone who cannot afford it.)

NAME: _____________________________________________________________________________

ADDRESS: __________________________________________________________________________

CITY, STATE, ZIP____________________________________________________________________

MAIL TO: POMC, INC. ENCLOSED IS MY: CHECK _________________

100 E. EIGHTH STREET, B-41 MONEY ORDER__________

CINCINATTI, OH 54202

Download form here


PERMISSION FOR ENGRAVING OF NAMES FOR POMC’S OREGON/WASHINGTON MEMORIAL WALL

PRINTED NAME OF LOVED ONE_________________________________________ (This will be engraved on the wall)

LOVED ONE’S BIRTHDATE____________________________ DEATH DATE____________________________

MEMBER/FRIEND’S NAME AND ADDRESS ____________________________________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

MEMBER/FRIEND’S PHONE NUMBER_____________________________ Do you want a Newsletter? Yes No

SIGNATURE FOR PERMISSION TO
ENGRAVE NAME AND SPELLING APPROVAL_________________________________________________________

Please submit one form for each loved one. Please make efforts with other family members/friends to ensure multiple requests are not received for the same name. When completed, please mail, fax, or e-mail to the following places: POMC, Mary Elledge, 14427 S. Forsythe Road, Oregon City, OR 97045 or fax 503-656-4420, or e-mail: elledge1@email.com. If you have any questions, please call 503-656-8039.

Download form here


Oregon-Washington Public Memorial Garden
Remembering Those We Have Lost to Murder
CONTRIBUTION OR PLEDGE FORM

Please Complete and Return to Memorial Garden,
POMC 14427 S. Forsythe Rd Oregon City, OR 97045

100% of Contributions are Tax Deductible

Name:____________________________________________ phone: __________________________

Address:_____________________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________________________

E-MAIL: ___________________________________________________

Options :

Gift in Memory of: __________________________________________________________

Anonymous gift (will not be recognized at the Memorial Garden or in published materials)

Method of Payment:

Check Enclosed

Credit Card #_________________________________________Exp Date:___________

Name on Card _________________________________________________________________

Signature _____________________________________________________________________

Pledged Payment (to be completed by December 31, 2014)
Please add notes on payment timing _________________________________________

Thank you for helping to create the Oregon-Washington Public Memorial Garden. Your generosity will never be forgotten.

Download form here


Tacoma Violent Crime Victim Services Welcomes Homicide Survivors

Peer Support Group Meeting

If someone you love has been the victim of a homicide, we invite you to attend our monthly support group meeting. You will find acceptance, compassion and support.

Place: United Way Building
3rd FLOOR CONFERENCE ROOM

Date: 3rd Wednesday of Each Month!
Time: 7:30PM – 10:00PM

The United Way Building is located in Tacoma, at 1501 Pacific Avenue. This is the same building that the VCVS office is located in. It is next to Union Station on the north side. As you pass Union Station you will see the United Way Building. Parking is on the south side of the building. Please park your vehicle in an open space and enter the building’s front entrance and take the elevator to the third floor. The conference room is Suite 312. Please call Lew Cox for more information (253) 383-5254.


Court Watch

POMC'S Court Watch Program is designed to help families maneuver through the court system. Two of the most important aspects of Court Watch are the prevention of any re-victimization to family members, and the minimizing of the emotional pain of going through hearings and trials.

If you would like support from POMC during hearings and trials or want to offer assistance, call Pat Elmore at 503-312-5681 or Allen Tremain at 503-522- 0577.


Important Notice Concerning The Newsletter:

Each month a number of newsletter are returned due to delivery problems. In addition to the initial postage, return postage is charged by the Postal Service. To minimize this expense, please write to the return address of this newsletter or contact Gayle if your address changes or you no longer wish to receive this publication.